As you know, I tend to enjoy obscurity more than straightforwardness in my writings. But, I’m in an oddly honest mood and am too tired to weave a very substantial garment for my thoughts, so here they are just as they came to me. The kernel of this post is that I have made the decision to relax some of the more stressful social constraints I have imposed on my lifestyle.
First, I’ve decided to stop active development of my ability to make people think I’m enjoying myself when I am not. Practically, that means I’m going to start saying “no” to a lot more one-sided friendships. The sad truth is that the majority of people I interact with are much too closed-minded for me to actually enjoy the interactions. That’s what I think, anyway. You would probably say I’m just introverted and that it’s “good for me” to force myself into these situations. Well, I’ve been doing it for at least eleven years, and it has brought me nothing but bad memories and an ability to ape normative behaviors in various situations. The few actually pleasant connections that I’ve made over the years have been completely unplanned and virtually instantaneous. I’m not saying I’m giving up on developing new relationships. I’m just going to quit having forced ones with people I don’t really enjoy being around.
Second, I’m going to increase my awareness of opportunities to be friendly in ways that I am comfortable with. To me, friendships are made of small acts of kindness over a long period of time. It’s not so much the time you spend with someone, or the things you do with them, or what you talk about as much as it is the knowledge that I have somehow been a positive force in their life. On that same note, I have started to realize that it’s ok for relationships to change over time. Instead of fighting the ebb and flow of life, wishing for days gone by, I’m learning to accept the way things are now and make the most of what I have before things change yet again.