Category Archives: Journal

Basically pointless ramblings about non-school life.

Thought Life

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It’s been a while, but I’m sure some of you are wondering what happened to the old website slogan about mental festivities.  To give you an idea why I no longer see my brain as a place of enjoyment, I thought I’d walk you through the general path my mind takes each day:

  1. Morning
    1. I REALLY REALLY don’t want to get up.
    2. Is there any possible way I can sleep a little longer?
    3. Feel super annoyed that the answer is no.
    4. Feel like eating some bran flakes and milk.
    5. Yummy.
    6. Crap!  What did I forget?  I’m probably late for class.
  2. Daytime
    1. I don’t really have the spare time to even go to class, but if I skip, we’re sure to have a quiz.
    2. Sigh.  I must be a pretty poor time-manager or just super slow.
    3. Use lecture time to work on homework and think about the various projects I have to get done.
    4. Furiously & fruitlessly work on projects between classes.
    5. Unsatisfied with my work, I wish to be less of an idiot some day.
    6. Repeat.
  3. Evening
    1. Feel a little hungry, but mostly just tired.
    2. Making supper is too much work, so I’ll just have a snack.
    3. Yum.
    4. I probably should continue working, but I am too tired for it to do any good.
    5. Continue working anyway until my mind shuts down completely.

If someone interrupts the above routine, thoughts take the following detour:

  1. Feel like I should be polite to this person, but don’t really feel like talking.
  2. Nonetheless, I digest what they are saying, generate the appropriate reply, and display body language so as to appear interested in the conversation.
  3. Feel like I should “get out” more.
  4. Feel like I should enjoy conversing with people.
  5. Feel like a complete jerk for not actually being interested in the conversation
  6. Feel like even more of a jerk for pretending to be.
  7. Think of a polite excuse to leave (typically, that I am very busy).
  8. Attempt to re-focus on the project I’m working on despite the fact that doing so keeps reminding me of how I shouldn’t be so obsessed with school and should be living “real life.”

Interspersed throughout all of this are several periods of time when I do not think at all.  Instead, I look out the window, read some random stuff on the Internet, pace around the room, take a brief walk, or some other such nonsense.  Once in a long while, I say a quick prayer to apologize for ignoring God like I do everyone and everything else that actually matters.

Estella IV

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Much to my own surprise, my resolution was unshakable.  In the months that followed, I earned not only her friendship, but her respect as well.  I don’t think I ever could have been considered a confidant, but I do remember being close enough to ask for advice — even to be asked once or twice.  I recall one time that I was deeply wounded, and several times that I caused pain.  But, those were soon mended and really aren’t even worth mentioning aside from underscoring how much we depended upon each other for approval and support.  On the whole they were pleasant and wholesome times.

There weren’t many of the kind of memories you tell others about — or even put down into words, but when I quietly smile to myself, I’m often thinking of those days.  As time went on, we matured together.  Our spirits grew and changed at the same time, and nearly at the same rate, but they never quite intertwined.  We still share our thoughts and ideas every so often, but I …

I think it’s me that has changed the most.  Or perhaps I simply stopped changing altogether.  Either way, the best parts of my soul have grown weak from lack of use, and the side of myself that I used to be so good at keeping in check has all but taken over.  If my life has wilted and been overtaken by thorns, hers has blossomed.  Jealous?  I think not.  It’s simply the physical incarnation of that bittersweet conversation we had so long ago.  She has always been fine with me — or without me.

She is getting married tomorrow.  It almost worries me that I don’t feel anything.  Not much, anyway.

People

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Human beings have only one need:

  1. To feel good about oneself.

This good feeling goes by a variety of seemingly distinct names — some of them considered virtues and some of them are held to be vices.  However, the only meaningful distinction between these terms is the method by (and the duration for) which they produce that sense of “I’m OK” in one’s own spirit.

Hope: “I’m OK” because of what the future holds.
Pride: “I’m OK” because I’m better than other people.
Love: “I’m OK” because of the way I feel (or am felt) about and treat (or am treated by) other people.
Accomplishment: “I’m OK” because of what I’ve done.
Greed: “I’m OK” because I have many possessions.
Inspiration: “I’m OK” because of what I experience.
Faith: “I’m OK” because of what I believe.

Before you come at me with pitchforks, let me be clear that I’m not discounting the distinction between good and evil — I’m only exploring the idea that our most basic need is really quite simple and universal.  We need to feel that we are acceptable.  This subconscious self-assessment would seem to influence (and be influenced by) everything human beings feel, see, hear, and think to the extent that human reality itself is often defined in self-referential terms.  People will often label ideas or statements as being true or false based solely on how those words or thoughts make them feel.  Similarly, phrases like “The world is crashing down around me,” or “It’s a beautiful day” don’t really have anything to do with the actual state of the world.  They simply have to do with how the speaker is feeling.

Sometimes, if I am not careful, the distinction between external reality, and what’s going on inside my own head can become blurred.  I allow my face, words, and manner to reflect the way I feel, without any regard to how it might affect the lives of other people.  I forget that brutal honesty can be just as hurtful as a vicious lie (if not more so), and portraying a negative aura can seriously affect the quality of other’s lives.  In the days to come, I’m going to try to be more aware of how what I do and say affects the individual realities of the people around me — and how they feel about themselves.

Not-so-famous Last Words

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First off, I want to express that I very honestly do not care if you think this post is depressing or morbid. If you can’t come to grips with the fact that death is just as natural a part of life as living is, that’s your problem not mine. Life is beautiful and glorious. It is also ugly and painful. The two truths co-exist. Acknowledging evil does not negate the good. I’m interested in living and enjoying life just as much as any of you — but I feel like I can do so without ignoring the other side.

Every once in a while, I think it’s a good exercise to consider what would happen if I were to die tomorrow. The thought of dying strangely helps me to regain focus on what really matters in life. When I was about ten years old, I started writing little “Last Wishes” documents every so often, as snapshots of those moments of clarity. My first one seems rather silly now (it involved an itemized list of who got which of my toys, a time-sharing scheme for some of the larger items, and even detailed arrangements for the funeral garments). But despite the differences associated with my changing age and interests, the core of these “Last Wishes” has surprisingly remained much the same over the years.  It’s interesting to note that some very specific details have been present in most of the documents.  I thought I’d share some of the common elements that stood out to me: Continue reading →