Top Five Character Crushes

As much as I hate to admit it, a good portion of my life is spent in the fake world of movies.  Here are the top five (that I can think of at the moment) characters I’ve fallen for at various times in my life:

5. Rachel Weisz as Izzie Creo in The Fountain

There’s something so incredibly peaceful and other-worldly about this girl with the incurable disease.  It just tears my heart out to see her husband vainly trying to extend her life instead of spending what is left of it with her.

4. Jennifer Lien as Kes in Star Trek Voyager

Sweet, guileless, humble, understanding — yet powerful and dangerous beyond anyone’s wildest expectations.  Kes’s charm is almost like a force of nature — elemental in its wisdom, innocence, and strength.

3. Ally Sheedy as Allison Reynolds in Breakfast Club

Labeled in the opening sequence as “the basket case,” this artsy and interesting character is really the only one who didn’t deserve to get sent to detention. She might be a compulsive liar who doesn’t have the best table manners, but she’s so adorably herself that I can’t help but be disappointed when she lets Claire “fix” her hair and makeup.

2. Bruce Willis as John McClain in Die Hard

I’ll bet my boots that just about every guy who admires manliness has some level of a man-crush on this manliest of all manly men.  After all, who can help going a little googly-eyed at his cool “Just a fly in the ointment, Hans” just before he unleashes all manner of havoc on the terrorist’s plan.

1. Amy Poehler as Leslie Knope in Parks and Recreation

This lady is so passionate about and skilled at her work, so loyal to her friends, so hard-headedly optimistic, and so bewitchingly genuine that I honestly do not care if she’s twice my age.  She is one sexy lady.

Catching flies.

For me, that’s often the most profitable use of opening my mouth.  However, by popular request, I’m forcing myself to recall some of my recent additions to the world’s collective body of unnecessary sound waves:

Situation 1:

A.K.A. “Hal does further damage to human kind.”

It is officially listed as reaching level 6.3 of 10 in Josiah’s Annals of Awkwardness.  The time was 10:20 am, ten minutes before class.  The place was room 112 Macbride Hall, the University of Iowa.  My disposition?  Garrulous.

I said good morning to the student next to me.  Not suspecting my powers of miscommunication, she allowed a dialog to ensue.  In the course of the conversation, something mysterious and inexplicably evil was mentioned.  I, of course, immediately thought this deeply analogous to the large black obelisk in 2001, a Space Odyssey.  “Yes, like the obelisk in that one movie!” I said, not recalling the name of the infamous classic.  I received a quizzical expression.  Surprised that the analogy was not clear, I explained further: “You know, the obelisk that shows up when something learns to kill.”  Further confusion.  “Don’t you remember?  The apes and Hal?”  She still didn’t know what movie I was referring to.  After a spirited description of the film complete with a badly-hummed rendition of Also sprach Zarathustra, I recalled the film’s title.  “Never heard of it.”  We both stared at the empty chalk board at the front of the room.

The clock said that there were only two minutes till class started, but I swear it took at least a countable infinity of seconds for the teacher to come in and break the silence.

The end.

I invite you to come back tomorrow and share my chagrin as I continue with the aptly-titled “Situation 2”.